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NO EYEWITNESS NEWS BY MIKE COLONNA WISE GUYS Cooking Segments 1/LANTERO I’m MARCUS LANTERO-We’re here to cover the news nobody wants to talk about. We uncover stories that will make you think while you're eating your favorite pasta. News that you can FOGETTABOUT! A Man Named Guido, from Orange County, walked into a bar and admired a stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. He told the owner of the bar Joey Santino the Lion’s head was a beautiful trophy, Santino said “I wouldn’t call it beautiful, that lion killed my wife. Guido said were you on a safari? Santino said NO the stuffed Lion trophy fell on her head!

In Chicago schools are so tough, when kids get their pictures taken, there’s one taken from the front and one from the side!

– A Florida man has opened the country’s first Alligator Yoga Studio in Gainesville, FL where participants stretch next to his emotional support alligators, The owner claims “The Alligator helps people relax.”

Cardinal Stephano Ciceron reports from our Vatican Bureau Report Women in Paris, France are wearing perfumes that smell like flowers. So Joe D'amato invented a great new scent. It’s called “The Smell of Cash!”

The Vatican has published an edict. All religious people should follow the word of the Holy Father. He says Make love no war, or do both. Get Married.

An Italian philosopher in the 1500 offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Back to you in the Studio LANTERO Finally A Texas Man Arrested for Riding a Lawnmower to Walmart – He said “I Was “Saving Gas and Mowing Along the Way.” The man was released when...Deputies reported the man did, in fact, trim most of the parking lot medians. Saving the city thousands of dollars.

And Remember-Never ask a person who has no teeth to blow out the candles on your birthday cake.

Tune in next time NO EYEWITNESS NEWS when we report News you can FOGETTABOUT!